Life Is Starting To Change

Hi all, Its been a busy 10 days. With work and other things. I hardly see Lady R these days. Makes me wonder if she still loves me as much as I love her. I dont know much of whats going on in her life and I dont think she knows much of whats going on in my life at the moment. It honestly looks like she has lost interist in me and in the things I do.

I have started the ball in motion for some serious changes in my life. I will love Lady R to be a part of those changes but seeing she has not seen me in a while I wont know where to begin to tell her.

I guess I'll see Lady R when I see her, So for now my love life is in limbo. I know how I feel but I got no idea how she feels and I got no idea where this is going. I wanted it to go a different way but some times feelings from one person is just not enough. Some times you got to let the rest up to the other person and hope they come back to you or at least let you know whats going on.

Work wise . Well I have been busy with a new huge client. They could be the next google. Hell they started the same way and they still in the same place with old old server and even more ancient workstations used as development servers. Now the fun starts to put together a new server room from scratch and migrate allot of developement work to new high end servers so they can grow even further.

I dont want to make these big changes with out talking to Lady R, with out knowing if she wants me in her life or not. I do see myself with her for a long long time but thats only my view and I can not expect her to accept my views.

"A Better Man" - Pearl Jam

Until the oceans all run dry
Until the stars fall from the sky
Even if words dont seem to rhyme
Ill be addicted to your smile

And if the wind blows out the sun
Ill still believe you are the one
No matter what we're going through
I'll plan to spend my nights with you

I promise you my heart wont fade
I swear to you my soul always
It isnt hard to understand
You're making me a better man

Baby my love will say it all
I'll always catch you when you fall
And if the hard times get too much
I'll still be craving for your touch

I promise you my heart wont fade
I swear to you my soul always
It isnt hard to understand
You're making me a better man

I dedicate my world
I dedicate my all
For every moment
Your leaving me breathless

I dedicate my touch
Forevers not enough
I wanna hold on
I just wanna hold on to you

I promise you my heart wont fade
I swear to you my soul always
It isnt hard to understand
You're making me a better man

It isnt hard to understand, your making me a better man

Changes, Changes in our lives

I spent this week thinking of things that is in my past. Things that I did not think will affect my relationship and things that I thought were best left unsaid.

I kept things from Lady R and kept them from me. I have learnt now not to ever keep things like my past from the one I love.

Keeping things like your ex's folks forcing you to have kids and then when you stand up and say "no, this is not the way I want a kid!" then have her folks turn against your relationship and having your ex seduce you and con you into trying to have a kid without you realising..

And when you realise and confront her she turns to other guys and starts having a fair with someone you worked with.

Things like, why you hooked out and done things out of character, like having meaningless sex with a person just to try to break yourself, try to force yourself to become a bastard.

Things like, why you spoke to someone you should not have spoken to during a very low time in your life.

Things that I should of told Lady R and not this other person.

Things that I now know from now on will only be discussed with Lady R.

Things like, selling my TV to a friend who stayed at my mom's place then using that money to buy my mom a TV. Luckely Mr B does not need the TV as he is more on oil rigs than on land. So I sold my TV to a friend and I get to keep it. I know very odd, does not make sense but I am buying a new TV soon and I'll give my TV back to Mr B. My mom's TV broke and seeing my mom done so much for me I have to start giving back.

Yes, I have a sordid past; I spent some time doing illegal substances.

I partied and danced till I could no more. I ran away from myself, I ran to Ireland to only find myself running after me and got forced to deal with the me that followed me.

It made me a better person. It made me the man I am today.

I left my previous employer because of the back stabbing and a false accusation that I swore at a client, I should have stood up for myself but I ran again. This time I am glad I did as I am working with a bunch of amazing people. I am working with people not just staff.

People who understand each other and care for each other, they just don't see you as just another staff member.

Oh and I am on facebook.com now as well and it says very clearly there that I am in a relationship and very happy.

I have made contact with allot of old friends, friends that I lost contact with when I left school and who were with me in collage and who worked and work with me.

So from this moment on I have decided no more secrets, no more untruths. Just me the person I am.

With honesty and with all secrets revealed you go so much further in a relationship especially
if you realise more and more every day that this is the person you meant to be with.

Song for Lady R

Hi all, sorry for the long delay. Alot has happened in my life and allot is about to change. I'll try to keep things updated here a bit more often.

lady R I found this song the other morning and the words describe how I feel to a T.

-=o0o=-

Lifehouse - Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

-=o0o=-

Lady R I am truely sorry for not telling you about my past. I just hope you can accept that its in the past and that we live for today and for tomorrow.

Always and Forever

For you I'd make the world turn,
For you my heart will always yearn.
For you I'd give my life at will,
For, you are the one who makes my heart stand still.

Without you, my life is dull,
Your smile warms my deepest soul.
Your laugh is like a thousand bells,
And when you laugh... my heart doth swell.

For every wave that finds the shore,
My heart loves you a thousand times more.
For every bird that sings it's song,
My love for you grows deep and strong.

Always and forever, I'll love you till I die,
And to you, my darling, I cannot lie.
For you, my heart, I'll always endeavor
To love you now, always... and forever.

Long week of going nowhere slowly

Apologies for not updating my blog sooner. There has been allot that’s happened this past couple of days.

I got my PHP5 book I ordered from the UK. I still cannot believe that the book cost me 17 pounds to get and yet in South Africa the same book costs R750 almost 5 times as much as it cost me to buy the book online and have it shipped to SA.

Goodstuf’s wife gave birth to a girl on Thursday, unfortunately the girl was still born, Goodstuff my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Lady R has been very scarce and this is due to her studies. I noticed she is under allot of pressure and yet she seems very distant over txt messages. I just hope her studies are going well and that it’s over soon so I can treat Lady R to some dinner and places that I’d love to take Lady R to.

I have been trying to get my head around php5 and Object Orientated Programming but its been going slow. So I have been doing by example and reading off examples to try to understand how the new PHP works.

Work has been hectic with me having to look after a international company in the morning and then bolt off to another client for the rest of the day. The guys in the office has also now realised that I know WIFI equipment and that I know how to setup the equipment optimally so now I get called about any little WIFI setup that’s happening . I don’t mind to teach the people but its gets to me if they don’t take not what I say and learn from it.

I treated my mum to mother’s day and also took my boy for a run. He is getting big now and clever to. It’s amazing how every husky is unique. Every one has there own personality and traits. Take HDP’s 2 huskies, they not as curious as my boy and not as family orientated as my boy. Codi, my Siberian husky is very much family orientated and will not allow any stranger into my mum’s house unless they are accompanied by me or my mum. Even then the person is not allowed to come with in arms length of me or my mum.

So for now, I hope to see Lady R soon and hope to have a bit more R & R time this coming weekend.

Work, Life and Other Things.

This week went by so slow. I hardly saw Lady R accept for a very short while on Thursday evening. It was my Flat Mates birthday and we went half way Up Lions head to celebrate. I realised that I am not going to get a flat mate as good as the one I have now. It’s a once in a life time that you get a flat mate like the one I have.

She is very courteous and always friendly. She and I just get along. There is no bumping into each other and awkward running into each other in the bathroom for instance. I’ll have to start looking for a new flat mate pretty soon, I don’t really want to but hey my flat mate is moving to Durban and its nice having someone to help pay the flat.

I gave Lady R a key to my flat, I know it took a long time and I feel very comfortable with Lady R having a key. It’s the best feeling ever to get home and she is waiting there for me.

Work has been “fun” with me running between 2 clients. The one a international client and the other a local clothing store. I have been trying to sort out my own company to but it’s just not been that easy. I have ordered a book from Amazon but its taking its lovely time to get to me. I need this book to develop some applications which is needed for my website.

Goodstuff arranged tickets for him and me to the colab concert. It was not half bad, I really enjoyed Staind and Hubastanc . The other bands were not that good thought. I ran into IT girl at colab and she is doing well. She came back from Thailand and she is currently looking for other work. We greeted each other and had a quick catch up the goodstuf and I went off to our side of the concert.

I also briefly saw a guy who managed to destroy a long ex of mine and My relationship. He is still acts like a child and still even dresses the same as way, way back then. I just ignored him and walked on, which annoyed him so he tried to follow Goodstuf and me. We lost him in the crowd and forgot about him when spring bok nude girls started playing. It’s amazing how some people just can’t let go of the past they just can’t seem to move on and accept what has happened.

I can’t wait to see Lady R again. This week and weekend has been torture with me hardly seeing Lady R.. I just have to grin and bear it; it’s not for much longer.